I am a chicken shit, I know but damnnn some of the stories are really freaky!

It all started when my ex-boss said she saw a woman peering at her while she was washing her hands at the ladies’. The “woman” was inside the first toilet cubicle and was peeking at her through the gap of the door. It was after 7pm and the peeping tom disappeared after a few seconds.

Then another co-worker of mine saw that “woman” too. In the same toilet at the same manner. At that time I was working in level three and this haunted ladies’ is at the second level.

After about a week, another creepy incident happened to my friend Ina, apparently her 8 month baby who has been a very happy child started to change in his behavior. He cried more and couldn’t be left playing alone. As it is normal in our community that when a child is ill or looks disturbed just the way Ina’s son was behaving; we take the child to an Ustaz or Ustazah to read the child some prayers.

But the Ustaz sangat hampehhh uols!!! Dia boleh tengok chrystal ball gamaknya!

Right after Ina explained about the baby’s problem he calmly voiced a simple question. A question very direct that it smacked Ina right across the face. The Ustaz that she has never met in her while life before asked if she has just moved to a new office. WTH??? He couldn’t have tell that she was even a working mom?! How did he even got a clue that her office has moved a new location?

*pengsan*

According to him something had follow Ina home and found a liking towards her lil baby. And the memories all came back to her that indeed her baby has started to cry excessively mysteriously without a reason exactly two weeks ago starting from the day our business officially operated at the new building. Ina too had been a lil too hardworking going back late every night. Lainla macam aku…. Balik lambat gak.. tapi kena ada orang teman pergi parking! Haha

Then more and more stories of sightings at the bathroom appeared. Even at the men’s bathroom only the guys don’t tell much stories they’d rather talk about sightings of golf balls on the green and sightings of a hot hootchie mama at some joint. Hmmpphh men!

Then another freaky incident happened to the CEO of one of our subsidiaries. Dudee… he is the big boss… he gotta be telling the truth right. Not like its Bani or Yin or Nize… if they tell a story I would need bear in mind that they are highly influenced by their PMS. Ehhh… Bani dengan Nize PMS kerr?

Anyway, the boss are in his forties and he drives a big MPV. One night on the way out from office, he felt like he was driving a his car FULL OF CHILDREN!! The empty car was rowdy and there were voices of children’s laughter and chatter from the back seats! The moment he looked over his shoulders the sound vanished but as he turned back front… the “kids” started to play again….

I think there is something in the water we drink. We are all hallucinating. But what about the Ustaz? Is he hallucinating too?

FarahLee – “Diyana,if u die,can I have your camera?”

Zureena – “Yes! Can I have your dining set? Oh,I love the 8 seater!”

Anise – “Aku ko nak bagi apa Diyana? Aku pun nak dining set ko jugak?”

Diyana – “Wtf? Each of u take 4 chairs each!” Sob..sob..

Eyna – “Oh I only want Miki… You can give Miki to me… I will take care of him!”

Diyana – “Yes, I know my most prized possession is the livestock…” isk! isk!

The Crowd – “But I want Miki! Give Miki to me! No,me! No,me!”

Diyana – “Wa… wa… Wa…”

Zara – “Semua kasi orang, abih tu laki ko, ko nak bagi kat sapa?”

*Diyana pengsan* Aku belummmm mati lagiiiiiiii…..

I need to at least read it through one time before making a complete fool out of myself in front of hundreds of people tomorrow including that MITI minister who’s launching the forum. Is it the Minister of his Deputy????

I DON’T KNOWWWWWW!!

I am dead meattttttt..i don’t know what to wear…. where is my blazer?  here i am right now waiting for the email and if I don’t get it in 15 minutes I am gonna set my alarm clock to 9am tomorrow! i don’t careeeee….!!!! and the event starts at 8! At Jalan Raja Chulan!!!!

i hate thisssssssssssss…..

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Azhwan – Yuck! Orang kampong wears make-up? Hanya Tuhan membalas….

Eat eat drink drink gossip gossip

Diyana – You know I am committing to the deadliest dateline in my Biotechnology report project! I feel so kampong…

Anne – You mean you can’t commit to your dateline? Hanya Tuhan membalas…

Liza – I feel you girl! I am stuck in the middle of three projects now and I can hardly breathe! Hanya Tuhan membalas my boss bagi I kerja banyak…

Pris – You guys are so kampong, my Marine papers are D.O.N.E done! I am only left with another urgent report. Hanya Tuhan boleh balas pekerja cemerlang macam I…

Diyana – If all of us have so much work to do? Why are we here hovering over nasi lemak? We are so kampong! Hanya Tuhan membalas…

Eat eat drink drink gossip gossip

I don’t know when will my friends and I stop talking like this. I am starting to feel very kampong, hanya Tuhan membalas….

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The latter term is our main barrier from winning the combat. I am very scared. One of these days I go pass the Big Evil I think she is gonna smack me with her elbow. She has already bumped on Nana and Rena while walking. ON PURPOSE.

Phew! So should we proceed with the cat fight?

Rena, Marina and I at the office. Even our names rhyme… Hmm..

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I on the other hand am very tak malu, I usually ASK colleagues to buy me a present – a can or a bottle of Coca-Cola to add to my collection. Oh I have never blog about my Coke collection now have I?

Anyway,yes, people I work with are very nice people. The souvenirs could be from chocolates to key chains, from fridge magnets to paintings! We usually goes around the office like Santa Claus and if you were away from your desk, you will soon find a nice little surprise left in front of your computer when you came back from the pantry gossiping the surau praying.

However I have noticed that Santa had failed to visit my cubicle a few times already! Every time I saw some goodies on each and everyone’s desk I would be wondering how come I didn’t get any?

Its not like I really want those pack of chocolates but hey, chocolates are my favourite okay? don’t my colleagues love me anymore? Have I lost my sense of warmth and friendliness? Have I lost the touch of office camaraderie and they have started to hate me now? Oh no! Its the datelines! I must have been to stern on the datelines!!

Oh no!… What am I gonna do? My colleagues don’t love me anymoreeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Today one of the managers came back from Umrah in Mekah and as souvenirs, he gave away packets of dates to everybody. Once again I found none on my desk and my heart bleed. What did I do for not deserving date fruits? I don’t even like date fruits but this is cruel! Cruel!! ISk! Isk!

As I couldn’t take it anymore, I went to my colleague and asked him why? Why? WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE ME BUAH KURMA????

He assured me that he did,in fact he went 2 rounds around the office to make sure he didn’t miss anybody. He said he was sorry it went missing and he would bring me more tomorrow. I told him its okay and of course I believed him, he doesn’t have to swear on the Al-Quran like that faggot and I would believe him but now AKU DISELUBUNGI MISTERI!

Someone has been taking my souvenirs? Hmmm… Who could it be?

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So there we sat at the warung table, about eight of us including the CEO, two big bosses and other colleagues of mine happily chit-chatting about Permatang Pauh. When I was about to order my food, Azman made a video call so I got up and walked away to speak to him and Miki.

When I was saying goodbye a COCKROACH flew onto my pants! It was huge! I hate cockroaches! They creep! They stink! They climbed my leg!

On normal days I would have screamed my head off. But you have to understand; the CEO was there joining us at the warung, it must be pretty awkward for him and I must say I did not want my year-end appraisal to be bad to embarrass him further by my typical drama queen behavior.

So congratulate me now ladies and gentlemen- I DID NOT scream. Instead I did a little jiggy while holding my breath and clasping my lips together and the roach disappeared into the darkness. It must have fallen off my legs and crept away.

At least that’s what I thought. After a few seconds I felt the bug on my NECK! My long beautiful neck!!! Then I felt it climbed up my hair! MY HAIR! My hair!! Oh my God!!

You all think I screamed didn’t you?

Haha! I did not.

In fact I did not scream at all. But my little jiggy had turned nasty, as I waved my arm to brush the damned creature away from me; the cellphone I was holding in my hand flew into the ground.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. My cellphone was gone. I searched around and realized that it had fallen into the drain. No ordinary drain but one that’s so big and covered by concrete panels. On top of the panel there was a huge huge ceramic flower pot. The phone got through a small hole in between the panels.

Imagine the precision of my cellphone throwing act! The odds of it to fall through that hole was about one in a gazillion. You guys ever heard of categories for cellphone throwing in the Olympics? I betcha I could win a gold medal without my contacts on. Just make sure there are a lot of roaches around.

So my phone was gone. I couldn’t call Azman and see my little baby via 3G anymore. I was hundreds and hundreds of kilometres away from home and my phone was gone forever. On normal days I would have cried but then again the CEO was there. Isk isk.

I didn’t have any appetite too. Which was so strange even the CEO noticed I was not eating like I usually do. My immediate boss ( Hi Encik Rushdi!) was mean. He was laughing his head off. He taught I was throwing my phone at the bug and lost it. I wanted to kill him but then again I didn’t want my year-end appraisal to be bad the CEO was there.

Once everybody had done eating, the CEO said something very shocking. He said he was not happy about the whole thing and he wanted to lift the flower pot away. I was speechless. Well almost. The day I go speechless is the day they eliminate tolls on PLUS highways. Never.

So he went to the pot and searched around, my other colleague, Zaidi used his lighter to burn newspapers to get some light in the dark area. You have to understand this is warung area, dark, and not exactly clean. Once the CEO got his hands on the heavy pot, barulah my boss ( Hi Encik Rushdi! ) yang mengada itu came into the rescuing picture. It took about 4 of my male colleagues ( including the CEO) and one guy that work at the warung to lift it away.

My CEO got down to his knees, then ON ALL FOUR and peered into the stinky, roach infected, dark as night drain looking for my phone. He took a long wooden stick to stir around the water that was clear but so stinky dirty and spotted my big old Sony Ericsson. My boss was waving his finger at me like you are so dead Diyana, look at what you made the CEO do. I slapped my dongga forehead hard.

All the other customers was watching. The guy from the warung was the one who went down into the water got the phone. All I could do was gawked with disbelief of all the commotion I was causing. My cellphone was saved. It was drenched in the foulest smelling water ever but it was saved.

I hailed to all my colleagues – BOW NOW TO THE CEO!

I bowed to my CEO. He was my hero.

I tipped the warung guy 20 bucks, he was reluctant but I passed the money to his friend.

The story made it big once we were back at the office. Everybody knows the things I made our big boss do. I was amazed myself. I seriously thought I have retired. I guess my drama queen career is still not over.

Well at least I did not scream.

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Man, I feel so sorry for him, right after Dr Faiz was crowned THE SECOND CHOICE; he got parang put on his neck! So kesian. Luckily he got promoted as a Mejar recently. Else I would say he is badly in need some mandi bunga or something. Haha..

The people who need a good soak in a floral bath to get rid of all the jinx is actually me and colleagues. Yesterday the Minister decided to hold the Post-Cabinet meeting at our office at a spur of a moment. The meeting was to be held today at 10am and the news was announced to us at about 3pm yesterday. Since it is our nature as suckupsbuttkissers to prepare the best accommodation for the Minister and about 70 other Datuks and Tan Sris and Datins and Datin Sris that will be attending the meeting, my colleagues and I worked out butts off spring cleaning the office and find a caterer that is willing to prepare the luncheon fit for the Minister is such short notice. Even Shangrila and Marriot declined so we bloody hell kelam kabut looking for a caterer that can.

After I sorted all my prized publications for the attendees, get the holding room ready, the press conference room taken care off, today the Minister arrived at 10am, very much on time.

He sat at the board room for 40 seconds; just enough to announce that he is joining the Deputy Prime Minister to visit Mejar Faiz at Gleneagles Intan Medical Centre. Then off he and there rest of the suckupsbuttkissers to the hospital. He did not take a sip of the ‘kopi kampung’ that he required, he didn’t take a bite of that fresh salad with low fat dressing that was ordered by his office yesterday at 5pm.

Sigh…

Oh well, lets look at the bright side, our office is suddenly so sparkling clean and today theres free breakfast and lunch for everybody. Yea..

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Any nausea and blood vomiting that has occurred last week among this website’s visitors is much regretted. I understand it happened because you guys were too sick and tired of viewing that purple pitted fruit and that disgusting leech sucking a meal outta Azman’s little toe again and again. Please forgive the absence of my crappy rambling, I didn’t have a choice.

I was one of those unlucky thousand chosen by the government to be sent away from our beloved families. It was hard. For me it was just eight days, for some of my friends it was up to three weeks. We were separated from our home sweet home and were ordered to stay at the hotels with beautiful swimming pools by the sandy beach. Oh it was nightmare!! If I knew it was that torturing to devour taxpayers’ money, I would have withdrawn from the all expenses paid work task at the beautiful tropical heaven of Langkawi Island.

I would write at length about my experiences there later but for the time being let me tell you working for an international event that involves the head of states from around the globe is pure nightmare. We sacrificed so much sleep and rest doing endless paper work, watching for tedious protocols, preparing for business meetings, shopping, fine dining, shopping, swimming, sight seeing, more shopping, island hopping, cable car riding and shopping and at the end we still need to so report writing before we go for another last round of shopping.

Phew, am I not glad to be home?! It’s so great to be able to inhale the toxic polluted air of Klang Valley once again. I have been sniffing the sweet scent of the ocean and the green green grass of Langkawi for too long. But it still doesn’t feel right; the food I had on the island is way too nutritious for a typical human being. I need to get real Klang Valley food. You know the kind that costs thirty bucks for a piece of sandwich that taste like rubber duck with mayonnaise? Yeah that’s what I am talking about.

So Azman and I went to One Utama today, just to get my head tuned back from those excessive vacationing working. We spent half an hour to get a parking spot, went shopping at the over crowded shops and ate rubbery sandwiches. Slowly I begin to feel better. At U Parkson, we tried on the foot massaging chair that was operating for free; the comforting bliss was distracted at once when a tall big Chinese dude sat at the chair next to me. The moment he took off his shoes the smell of stinking fungus infected feet filled the air. Filled the entire U Parkson, the entire One Utama! I looked at his face and wonder when was the last time he washed his socks. I can tell that he realized how much the odor of his own feet is threatening the cycle of life in Petaling Jaya by poisoning so many living creatures. But of course he didn’t care. I think that’s what people call kiasu. The chair if for free and he’d used it even if it would crown him the King Stinky Feet of Bandar Utama. I opened my mouth to lash out something to remind him of personal hygine but then I realized that this is Klang Valley and not Langkawi and the air stinks and the people rude and boy oh boy I am really home! I have now recovered from my post vacation melancholic syndrome for good. Thank goodness.

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