Dear Miki,

A couple of days ago I was extra tired and you were extra.. how shall I put it… active! And vocal. I scolded you. And pinched you. Several times. It made you very sad and you don’t know how much it was killing me inside.

That night after both you and Rafa was asleep, I hugged you tight and kiss you many-many times hoping that the guilt will go away. Yesterday, I came back late from work and of course Rafa demanded the most attention. As I held Rafa in my arms and embracing him, you said “Kenapa Mummy tak sayang anak? Sayang Rafa ajer…” I managed to coax you a lil bit but a couple of hours later you did something naughty again and tickled my angry bone, I raised my voice again.

I know I shouldn’t but the antics of a 5 year old was really testing me. We continued with our activities and then you took a small notebook you called your Handy Dandy Notebook just like in Blue’s Clues. You drew several pictures and wrote several words.

And then you showed me a picture of two people. One adult and one child. It was a beautiful doodle, childish, wibbly wobbly but perfect! I love it.

“Mummy tengok ni!”

“Cantiknya, pandai Miki lukis..”

“Do you know what it means?”

“No, what does it mean?”

“Ini maksudnya ada anak yang sedih…” you said and the cheerfulness in your fine face was suddenly gone, and the twinkle in your eyes were now dark gloom of sadness. Your sentence was hanging and again very childish but I know what’s going on inside. That’s not a picture of some random stranger, you drew us and the sad anak was you and the bad mama was me. You didn’t realize that you were still hurt until you drew a picture of us, and suddenly it reminded you of our conflict.

You thought I did not love you.

It is not very easy fixing a broken heart. When the bits and pieces are hidden and glimpse of them can be traced through doodles and shadows in yours eyes. I don’t want you to remember me as a bad mom. I am not but neither am I perfect.

Later that night, I let you play  “Artzooka” with a scissors and a paper bag. We hardly let you use a scissors without close supervision but that night I gave it a green light. You had a great time making a mess out of the bag. You cut it open and pretended it was a book. You wrote “Mama likes apple”, “Daddy and Rafa like swimming” and “Miki likes running”.How cute is that?

Your cut around the string holders of the bag and came running to me in the kitchen. Your eyes were so wide and twinkling again and there was cheerfulness in your voice that was once missing. “Mummy! Miki buat decorations!” And you described to me, one by one, what it was all about, you were so smart and imaginative. My 30 year old eyes and mind couldn’t see the magic in the roughly cut bits of paper, but they were indeed so super special!

“Mummy suka tak? Miki buat untuk Mummy!”

“Suka!! Pergi bubuh dekat handbag Mummy…” You knew my bag is important to me and so you ran happily upstairs and brought back my bag looking like this.

 

“Miki decorate bag Mummy!” you said proudly with that twinkle in your eyes again.

 

 

Today I came to work with my bag decorated. I had lunch at a cafe in Shaftbury carrying my bag proudly decorated. By my handsome son with twinkling eyes.

I love you, Miki!

So guys, if you see a woman with Barbie stickers on her designer bag, a man with a Power Ranger badge on his expensive tie, there is no need for you to ask why. There may be a child back at their home. Feeling very proud that Mama and Papa is at work today wearing their present. Just as proud as I am today.

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Dear Rafa,

Hi baby! I am writing this very first letter not only for you to read someday… but most essentially for Mummy and Daddy to recall the beautiful moments when God sent us one of the most precious gifts in our lives – you!

Fresh from the oven…

Rafa, you were born on 29th June 2012. Two weeks earlier than you were expected to. You were 2.8 kilos in weight and 50cm in length. You were too cute! If it wasn’t for the blood you were covered in, I would have gomoi-ed you right there and then in the labour room of Az-Zahrah Islamic Medical Center, Bandar Baru Bangi at around 8 in the morning. You got more hair on your head than your brother had. Your eyes were huge and sparkling. But one thing in common that both you and your bother had – you guys were born as skinny babies… hehe! Super kurus babies…

Skinny or not, Alhamdulillah you were born perfectly healthy. You had a little bit of jaundice and sent me worrying like meroyan. But actually you didn’t even need any phototherapy and meroyan is just a part of me. So I am sorry.. hehe…

Right after birth I have sensed that you were a good baby. You nursed very well, hardly cry and totally not fussy. Thank you Allah swt for being so kind to Mummy and Daddy. Taking care of you is so easy!

You know baby, ever since I married your Daddy, I have always had these two names that I liked the most. And for some reason they are both boys’ names – Mikael and Rafael. Of course Mikael went to your big brother, Miki and Rafael belonged to you. On 5 July 2012, Daddy registered your name as Nuh Rafael bin Mohammad Azman. I thought your name is meaningful (after the prophet Nuh pbuh and the angel Israfel) and yet totally kick-ass!

Your brother Miki played an important role in naming you, my love. If someday you were both be apart (one brother in Universiti Malaya,your parents’ alma matter and another in a good college over the sea, insya Allah) and you don’t get to meet very often, I want you to know that ever since you were in my tummy, Abang Miki adored to you to bits and he sayang you with all his huge-huge loving heart.

If Abang Miki reads your diary cracked the password to your private blog, or if he broke your iPad whatever iGadget you have, don’t gaduh for too long ok? He maybe cheeky, your big brother Miki, but I know he loves you just as much as Mummy and Daddy do. And that is more than all the H2O molecules in all the oceans combined!

Rafa, having a second child after bringing up our first for four years no doubt had brought me mixed feelings. You brother was four when your were born and I was thirty. I was thirty and afraid. I was afraid I couldn’t be a good mum, afraid that I couldn’t find the time to equally spend with the both of you. I was afraid I might get either one of you feeling left out. But Alhamdulillah Miki had been very understanding and you as baby were not very demanding. That’s how I am surviving.

Rafa, the thought of you overwhelmes me with love all the time. You got my heart flooded with warmth and affection I was afraid my heart chambers would just explode like kebabooommmm keluar heart shaped confettis berkilo-kilo. But I want you to know that although you can win your parents’ hearts with your little sugar-coated smile, it doesn’t mean that you can have ice-cream for breakfast, macam yang Abang ko suka sangat tu… brush your teeth! No girl friends until you are in college and yes! no girls from that state of Malaysia, remember?! Mummy garang ok! jaga!

Take care now my love, be good and strong againts the world. Mummy prays for your safety and health 24/7.

I love you,

Mummy

;

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Dear Miki,

Someday when you grow up, you’ll travel around the world and meet with thousands of people. You will meet with girls and get brokenhearted. Maybe you’ll even break a heart or two, who knows?

Someday when you grow up, you will get a job, earn a living and live you own life. But Miki, there is one man that you must never forget.. he is your old man.. He is your Dad!

He is the guy that was so ecstatic and proud when your existence was merely two blue lines on a stick. He is the guy who sleeps on the cold hospital floor when your were sick. He is the one who would give up all his worldly possession just to see you well…

Yes of course, now you would also remember him as the football genius, the Angry Bird expert, the Plants VS Zombie guru. And at the same time he could also be the one with the rotan or the one that made you sit in the dark store room for 3 minutes for something horrible that you did.

But always remember that he did it all in the name of love, a great unconditional love to a son from a Father. So go on and give him your great big sloppy kisses ten times everyday! Especially today because it is Father’s Day!

Happy Daddy’s Day, Daddy! We love you very much…

Having ice-cream on a lovely afternoon…
Bukit Jalil Park, 16 January 2011

Daddy kokkong-ed you all the way because he didn’t want your feet to get dirty…
Pasar Borong Selangor, 16 January 2011.

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